I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
