did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
