is your mom at the bar?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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