Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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