got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
