eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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