I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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