the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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