i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
