I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Oh god it's open bar.
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