Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
