Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
