No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
