i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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