'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I want to be your penis for a week.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
