What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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