im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
