I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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