I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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