Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
