I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
