i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
