there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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