dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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