apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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