last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
