i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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