i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
