i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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