Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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