Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
