I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
