I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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