theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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