I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
