Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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