I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
