just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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