Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
