I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
