My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
