maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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