I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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