Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
