I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
