When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Less talking, more tequila
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
