is your mom at the bar?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I cut my penus on the lid.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
