my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
