I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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