wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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